I have had a lot of time to think this evening, both girls went down fast. Grace is almost 7! I can't get over this. She is this spunky, sassy little thing. She works hard and plays hard. 7... really? When did this happen. I am beginning to reflect as I always do as her birthday nears. I won't go into much detail tonight. But reader to be aware I am going to dip into some deep thoughts. ;o)
March 8th, is just around the corner and it is just a bitter sweet day for me. The day my babies were born, an exciting day, but such a scary day. If I close my eyes and just sit I can see it all, as if it happened yesterday. I can picture the people in the room, the sounds as my c-section took place. Brad holding my had, Dr. Bedi leaning over me telling me who he was and to not worry he would take care of my babies. The small squeak of a new born kitten that Grace made. The hurried steps of nurses and Dr.'s as she was taken care of. Then then absolute silence as Alex came out. The sudden feeling of dread followed by a lovely bought of nausea. Seeing my sweet babies for the first time, Grace squirming as I spoke to her and then slowly being wheeled off. My first memories of them are sweet and laced with the happiness of being a mommy and the wonderful drugs I was being given.
Seeing Grace for that first time once most of the anesthesia wore off is hard for me. But that memory comes back to me too. Sharp images, Grace on one side, Alex on the other. Who do I see first? Did I spend the same amount of time with each? Brad's face, and my mother's swim in these memories. Beeping, constant beeping and smell that I will never forget. One that haunts my dreams to this very day.
You would think that after 7years these images, smells and sounds would lessen, but they don't. They still assult my memory and seem to last longer. I have learned to deal, no that isn't the correct word. I have learned to cope. adapt, breath through these memories. Some are so clear I tear up and others, ones I want to remember are foggy and I believe that is my brain, my emotional side taking care of maybe what I can't handle. Will I remember in detail all of it? No I think not.
People think I am sure, "Why can't she just get over it? Or stop talking about it?" I will use a quote from one of my favorite movies here to explain this question. Pride and Prejudice when the younger sister is coming home married, "(Marriage) Is that all you can think about?" Ms. Bennet replies, "When you have five daughters, Lizzie, tell me what else will occupy your thoughts, and then perhaps you will understand." This is how I feel about Grace and about Alex. When you have lost a child, but still have the other half it is all you can think of. The what if's, the dreams you had the, what would he being doing now thoughts. I try to move on and not think about it at all. But when my sweet Grace flashes me her dimples to get another cookie once out of every 6 times I think, would he have matching dimples?
With Evelyn being in the NICU so recently I think I am thinking more about it than ever. Last yer was very hard on Brad and I, almost as if we had just been through it. So a second layer of healing is happening with our family and thankfully our two girls just help us pull through it.
I will close with this for now and end with a picture of a wonderful moment with Grace. I promise to post a few more of her journey closer to her birthday.